I've decided to start up my Xanga again. I know I've probably lost most of my audience by this point but I've got one new subscriber and she's worth the effort it takes to make new and interesting entries from time to time. It's a little like finding an old radio in a trunk somewhere through which you used to talk to friends when you were small, you pick it up and click the button and send forth a message for old times sake only to find someone still monitoring the other end. College is good but tiring, distractions are not as prolific as they once were but other, older distractions shake the dust from their bodies and begin to chase me anew. My thoughts have the tendancy to swirl around and make no real sense until they find a central theme to latch on to and then, heaven help me, the thought wont let me go. For years now I've gone to sleep and woken up with the same thoughts running through my skull, always causing me unrest and putting me in a state of unease and these days it's no different. I continue to wonder if these thoughts are of God or merely haunt me because I won't let go, I highly suspect the latter. I have found a measure of relief by officially giving the whole affair to God and his perfect judgement, but even with the work and worry out of my control hopes and desires continue to cloud my thoughts, themes and patterns dominate my artwork, and I have not let go. I am afraid. I fear that if I let go of what has been a part of me for so long, a piece of me will die. If that peice dies, then I have no forseeable future that I wish to face. Please do not think I am depressed for I am nothing of the sort, in some measure of pain perhaps but by no means depressed. I only wish for that which is not my right to have, the assurance that if I let go, that so small yet seemingly vital bit of me will still be there when I come back looking for it. Maybe it doesn't belong to me, if so I must let go but if it IS mine why should I not have it? ... Blast. I'm being completely vague... Oh well it can't be helped, as of now no one is allowed to know what I'm talking about anyway. I will not invite THAT trouble down upon my head again. I just need to vent in a place where few may see. Thanks for listening. | 
